Here we go again

I just finished watching SATC Season 3 and half of Season 5. Suddenly, there you are again, struck me for the 10th million times..


What is it about you that keeps me holding back to totally erase you in my life? 


Alright then.. Here we go again....
After few months of no communication, partying and doing all the things we cannot do while were together.. Holding each others neck saying non- sense things about ourselves.. "Don't do this, don't do that...." and finally, we talked.. real talk.. like what I really wanted for us... (sa wakas! Thank God!)


But now it's all different.. I know it will never be the same as before.. We're just here for each others company.. but not really longing for each others arms...


But hey, where am I? I'm here again, stuck in your big love trap and I can't get out of it.. Damn it! What is it about you? Shoot me, seriously.. I hate this feeling..


I told myself million times, I had enough.. we had enough and it's so over.. that we should think of another word for it.. Damn Mr. Partyboy you gotta be kiddin' me.. I fell inlove in 2nd time? 3rd time? 4th... 5th..... time around?? I can't barely remember how many times you broke my heart and me being stupid about you.


But I just like the fact that you are there, I am here.. When I call you I get to talk to you anything I want.. I can tell you stuff that I never said before, cause I'm afraid that it might just lead in to a small to big fight.


Atleast I get a hold of you that makes me feel so happy as I hear your voice over my old school telephone. I know I need to stop this, cause you might broke my heart again. But I'd rather take this chance knowing that this might not happen again, that all of these were just a dream and when I woke up in the morning.. you wouldn't even recognize my name.. than keep running away and finding my way to escape the hole that caused a big mess in our lives.


Do I just love to be hurt? Of course no woman loves to be hurt.. Hell no..
I know my life can be miserable If i build it with you. I can't do what I want, I can't hang out with my friends house, I can't go shop alone, I can't go to any church where I want to go to, I can't buy any dress, shoes I want without you critizing my finances, I can't have my own musical band that I ever dream about, I can't wear dress, skirts, tops that I used to wear, I can't go party with my friends, I can't have a beer wit my friends, I can't even color my hair, get my face done, even to relax myself in to Spa's without hearing you say bad things about how I handle my finances..


Hey it's me working and spending my own money. It's not like I am spending your money with my own luxury... Hell no.. All your flaws, all your bad words, all your bad boyfriend treatment thing.. made me love you more..


But I keep asking myself over and over again.. "Can I live with all these?"

One thing that I know for sure.. is that iloveyou.. no matter how fucked up your life is.. just like mine... It's still the same me, the goofy ass who always cries about you..


and that I need to sacrfice for the rest of my life if I choose to live with you.....




"You cannot change other people, just for you to be happy.. You gotta accept his flaws and lower down your expectations.. and everything would be perfect like the way it is."

i miss you

"i miss you" is what i wanna say to you right now
I wish you could hear me saying all these to you
I wish you can see me how much i wanted to see you,
Since the say you left me and promised that you'll be back..
But you never did..

I've tried all the hardest way
To get you out of my head.. but you wont leave
There you are, keep on hurtin' me..

I've shed pcean tears over you
But still see myself keeps on writing about you.
Writing how I feel for you, how much I love you...

I'm doing everything that I wanna do,
That you always tell me not to..
Thought that I could forget you simply
But I failed.. and tell you honesty..
No days passed by, that you wouldn't get into my conviction

Am I going crazy over you? Well I don't wanted to..
Cause I know you would just hurt me too..

I have loved you, the best way I can
I have loved you more than anyone else in this world
I have put up with everything that you do..
But you have never loved me like I do...

Look me in the eye and tell me no lie
No matter how much you hurt me
Just tell me that you love me and you won't do it again
You will not hurt me again
Let's leave the past and be in the present
With whole new life..

Please tell me.. tell me now..

....Cause I'm dying to see you and kiss your lips tonight....   

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYDDiqhhzbQ

Simple things you do..

Then I found myself staring blankly at one corner with a sweet smile. After finishing my business with my previous company. I rushed down to the nearest store where I can get food for my tummy. I was starving and i can't wait for my food to be served.

After eating, I'm feelin so stuffed that I couldn't even get up and I have to rest for a while. A little later couple more sip of soda, then a light suddenly blank over my mind. Memories jumped back months and years ago.

I just remember one sweet little thing that you have done way back for me. I was suffering too much pain caused by the girl kinda thing that happened to us every month of their adolescence age. I remembered  you used to make me one of those Swiss hot chocolate drink to be served by you in your bed, and you'll hold the cup while I take a sip of it. This is the first thing you would do if I'm in pain, any kind of pain, stomach ache, fever, cold, and my monthly kinda thing to let the pain go away.

That simple thing mean so much to me. It brought my mind how painful it was, that I couldn't even eat well, I can't enjoy watching movie with you on your laptop, I can't get up my ass on bed and feelin' lazy to just feel the soft sheet of your bed and pillow cases. The pain is really killing me but you are there keep mixin' this chocolate drink for me. I feel no fear but joy having you seated beside me doing your thing and keeping an eye on me.

Then "PAM!" it snapped and I'm back to the reality. I suddenly felt the same pain having my girly kinda thing. I looked around and there's no one would get and make me the same chocolate drink I used to have before.

Now I'm in pain and trying to convince myself to wake up cause i will never gonna get a taste of those hot chocolate from the same person that I feel so special at that very moment. 

                                                Never again...

Is it not possible to be friends with your Ex- Boyfriend?

I've been to different kind of relationship in my life since I was 16. That is when I had my first boyfriend, I was 3rd year high school then. There is the thing we called first love, pupply love, infatuation, victim of cheating, victim of third party kinda thing, love triangle, jealousy, and victim of incompatibility, misunderstanding, cruel, and selfish love.


I'm the type of gal who always think after breaking up with the person I loved to be friends with them. I always do, and I always hope for it to happen. Cause I just don't want to throw away everything that we had. For me there is no pictures to burn at all. I give importance to all the people that come and go to my life and for sure to value them as much as I can. It took me, him, us to build this thing that we had and I can't give it away just like that. But it never happened till it was 3 years or so after not seeing and talking to each other. No one knows, No one can tell. 


I have this attitude and it's always on my mind that no matter how much pain that person brought in my life, I would still want to cut the line between us in the niciest way that I can think of. I know that there must be a good reason as to why we didn't make it together as a good couple or I should say that our relationship didn't last longer as what we expect that it is us who is right for each other. But I guess, were not.


I have tried 3 or 4 more attempts to be friends with my Ex- boyfriend, but it was futile. I was haunted by the pain, depression, sweet nothings of him over and over and over again. The more I keep myself attached to him and live inside me is making me feel blue as days passed by. 


There are times that even you two are just friends, you can't avoid to bring up what happened from the past. Just like a skeleton jumps out of the closet and then BOOM! friendship will again turn into a nightmare of your life.


Either way, you will be hurt.. You stay in the relationship or you leave.. it will sure hurt you. That's part of the whole game of love. Love is a wonderful feeling whom you can share to the person you truly love. It is more appreciated and delightful if that person whom you share it with is the person you always think about everyday of your life. Someone you love the most, person laying beside you in bed with arms around to each other, talking about the life you wanted to be, and building your future together. 


All of these will be gone in just a blink of an eye. Yes it will! And you can never be friends with the person you loved till few years you have not seen eachother and only time would decide if your path will cross along the way.






Treat your special someone as if everyday is the last day. Cause you will never know if tomorrow you still have them next to you saying.............
"Good morning.. iloveyou" 

Wounded by your love

Sweet memories,

Your smile, your touch

The way you put your lips to mine

Intimate moments and your love

Will never be forgotten

Seeing you beside me on my bed

Is such a great comfort in my chest

Feels no fear, no worries, no troubles.. No nothing

But only love and exhilaration

Days passed by, things are getting worst

Words left unspoken, wits unoccupied

Heart is wounded, love is bleeding

People are dying, dying from love

You walk out of the door

Saying that you'll never come back

And I will never see you again

All I know is, no matter how much pain it would caused me

I would still be the same

The same girl you left pained